It’s Just A Boundary - Part 2

Boundaries can be challenging, and that’s okay! At the same time, you can grow your “boundary communication” muscle with practice. Although there’s no way to control the outcome, I want to offer you some tips to set you up for success as best I can. Are you ready for some practicals? Perfect, because that’s what I’ve got for you. Let’s talk about boundaries and communication skills 101!

My favorite way to frame boundaries is what I call the “you suck sandwich.” Obviously, you’re not just going to tell someone they suck; that’s not likely to help. I know that sounds harsh, but hang in there with me while I explain this. It’s a sandwich, so we start with the first piece of bread, “I love you,” next comes the peanut butter and jelly, “You suck,” to finish the sandwich, you’ll use the second piece of bread which is again “I love you.”

Let’s go into the breakdown.

Step 1 - I love you!

• Tell the person that you care for them and value your relationship.

Step 2 - You Suck

• Tell them what your need is and the boundary you need to communicate. Be as clear as you can.

• Avoid using blaming language, and be mindful to stay focused on your needs and boundaries.

  • Here’s an example of I-focused language: “I feel hurt when jokes or sarcastic comments are made about my family.” Which sounds much different than, “You always make rude comments and jokes about my family!”

Step 3 - I love you!

• Reiterate your care and love for the person, and communicate your value for the relationship. Follow this up by sharing your value for open and honest communication.

Putting it all together!

“Hi friend, do you have a few minutes to connect? (If not, find a time that works.) I wanted to chat with you about how we’ve been connecting recently. I value our friendship, and staying connected to you is so important to me; that’s why I wanted to let you know that when I communicated that I didn’t have the capacity to hang out the last two weeks, and the response was sarcastic comments that felt hurtful and pressuring. When I share about my capacity, I need to feel heard and respected. (Give your friend time to respond and ask questions to understand.) I care so much about staying connected with you, and I would love to be able to continue having open communication between us.”

Tips for Success

• Practice in a low-stakes way before trying in a super complex situation. Just practice saying the words out loud. You can use your pet, tell a friend you want to practice something with them, or simply practice using your voice by saying the words out loud.

• Boundaries will likely need to be reinforced and, if necessary, followed up by a consequence if the boundary is repeatedly violated.

• Keep in mind that someone’s reaction to your boundary is more a reflection of their internal world than it is of the actual boundary itself.

  REMEMBER

  You matter! Your voice matters!

  Your needs matter!